05 November 2005
so twisted.
you just don't understand how you get me affected do you. honestly, i was doing fine when
you left.. but now you start talking to me online and telling me you need to talk when you come back tomorrow because you've been upset the past days overseas and have been thinking about the relationship. and that you hope that i've been thinking of you. what in the fucking world do you want me to do?
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you just made me break the record of not crying at all for almost 3 weeks. kudos to you.
so you think you can just come and go as and when you like.. like when you're ready then you come back to me? you know what..fuck off. seriously. you brought me too much pain. and i can say that i've been doing pretty well trying to cope with all this bullshit.. but now you pop out and say these things. and my train of thought has just been diverted. so the question would be what's going to happen now.
i don't deny i miss those times and the intimacy with someone close. but there's a certain limit to certain things.. like how you could so easily hurt me and leave me and let me be. if not for the people around me, i'd have died. i pray that answers will be given by monday.. and that i go with what's practical now and not by my heart. now i fear when monday comes.
last night was just screwed up. and i take blame for it. i didn't know for sure a certain someone would turn up.. which spoilt the night. and then an important handphone had to be lost.. and all contacts gone. i shouldn't have played with the phone in the first place. i wouldn't feel so bad if the owner was a bastard, but a mr nice guy... i feel damn bad. and a certain video had to trigger everyone off. i've certainly gotten the after effects of it now.
and now, breakdown is back on my list of words.
life is a vicious cycle. the mind games and tricks it plays on you everyday. and then again, wouldn't life be mundane if these things didn't happen. but there's a limit to certain things. excess in anything is never good. so cut me some slack and let me enjoy the days go by.
i hate seeing people around me upset. in fact, it angers me. deeply angers me. the rage seething inside of me.. thank goodness i'm not a guy, if not i'd pick up a fight. honestly.
let's all just bear in mind that the pain we're going through is just a phase. and the constant thing in life is
changes. and things will be for the better. they always turn out right if you look at it as the cup is half full and not half empty.
15:03
